Reflection
by It's-Nothing-Just-A-Wolf
Summary: You finally can't take enough. It's time to let go. When will your reflection show? Maybe it never will.


Reflection

Authors note: This could be triggering to anyone who has or is struggling with suicide! Though I swear if you get to the end you will feel better...or at least you won't feel any worse.

Look at me  
I will never pass for a perfect bride  
Or a perfect daughter  
Can it be  
I'm not meant to play this part.  
Now I see  
That if I were truly to be myself  
I would break my family's heart.

You couldn't hold the tears back anymore as you trudged into the bunker after completely messing up a hunt. You could hear the boys calling your name as you made your way to your room locking yourself in the bathroom. You covered your mouth wanting to keep the disgusting crying noises at bay. 'Why are you so useless! You couldn't even say that poor little girl! She deserves to be here more than you! For all you know she was going to be the next president! She was going to do something amazing unlike you!' The insults kept cramming into your head not leaving any room for rationality. You had your hands clutched into your hair trying to make it all stop…'I'm so tired…'

You loved your job you really did. You hated the idea of that boring life doing some boring ordinary job. The only problem was you sucked at it! You couldn't even tell the girl to duck! Sure she shouldn't have been out there you had told her to stay in the house-

Oh my gosh you monster! You're going to blame the kid!

N-no I was just saying it really wasn't your fault!

Yes it was stop defending us! You should have known what was going to happen! She was a little kid! She was curious!

I know! There wasn't time to think about that when you're trying to find a monster!

It should have been you!

Evidently not I'm still here!

That doesn't prove anything. Only that you took away that little girls chance at life.

…your right….

I always am.

Sam, Dean and Cas sat in the library in silence just thinking of the people who had died in the hunt. Each and every one of them had messed up and felt bad about it. Finally Dean broke the silence. "Enough of this! We can't feel bad every time someone dies! At least we are trying to help! That's better than sitting by and letting it happen. We all know that right?" He looked to each of them for confirmation. They slowly nodded. There was a moment of peace before Cas paused looking up…

"Something's wrong."

Dean and Sam attempted to stay calm but were both already in hunter mode…

"What is it?" Sam asked tensely

"It's Y/N"

That got them listening.

Who is that girl I see  
Staring straight back at me  
Why is my reflection  
Someone I don't know  
Somehow I cannot hide  
Who I am though I've tried

You finally got enough energy to stand up clutching to the sides of the sink to keep yourself balanced. You took shaky breaths attempting to not pass out. Your H/L H/C hair was everywhere and a tangled mess. "Well at least I don't have to worry about being a model anymore." You muttered bitterly before rinsing you puffy face off. Your E/C eyes were shining from the red surrounding them (something that always happened when you were crying) you laughed bitterly at your pathetic expression.

'Maybe this is all I'm good for. Eventually Sam and Dean will realize how pathetic I am and won't want me hunting with them anymore. I'm sure Cas already knows and is just too nice to say anything. You saw the sympathetic look he gave you when you got in the car. It made you shudder to know that he knew as well. You weren't as discreet about it as you thought you were.

'Of course not you fail at everything else, why not that as well?'

You shuddered at the cold voice. Would it ever leave you alone? You couldn't help but catch a glimpse of a knife sitting on the sink (you were very paranoid since watching Psycho).

'Do it. Just end it now. A simple two cuts that shouldn't be too hard for you to mess up.'

You felt the tears slip down your face at even considering it.

You had always been taught life was precious that it would be a shame to waste it.

'It wouldn't be a waste if you're referring to you. You're already nothing.'

There it was again.

"Cas what do you mean? Is she alright?"

Cas was silent for a moment trying to listen in on your thoughts. Thoughts that made him want to cry.

'How could she think this was way about herself?'

"Cas!" Dean yelled worriedly!

"She's not in a good mindset-….she in danger!"

They all took off towards your room!

You were scared. You didn't want to live but then again dying of a painful cut that would require you to bleed out didn't seem much more appealing. You looked up to see your reflection looking back at you with disgust and pity…"This isn't who I want to be! Why can't I just get over my fears and be who I was meant to be!" It's true…you would never admit it but you were scared of failing….scared of messing everything up, taking chances was risky.

You would always be alone.

You wouldn't get married and live happily ever after.

Or have children

You were nothing.

At least this fake version of you was.

You weren't meant to be this way.

Fears control everything for you.

You're a miserable human being who doesn't have a place on this Earth anymore.

You may have been vulnerable but you weren't about to let this voice tell you what to do.

You agreed it was right and that you needed to die but you wouldn't go its way.

You positioned the knife over your heart ready to push it in when you heard someone slam against your door causing you to take the knife off of your heart and point it towards the door! You stayed silent not wanting to make things worse than they already were. "Y/N! Don't do it!" You froze at that statement…

'They know.'

'Of course they know you've taken too long! Get it over with now! This is your last chance!'

'I can't!'

'What!'

'I won't have them find me like this! I may be a lot of things but I am not a bad friend!'

'I have put too much time and energy into this for you to not go through with it!'

'What are you talking about?'

You didn't realize your hand was shaking until you felt a sharp pang in your stomach! You gasped feeling the blade go further into your skin! The door burst open and to your misfortune it was the three boys you would never want to see you like this.

"Y/N what did you do!" Dean yelled catching you before you fell. You tried not to make noise as Dean gently picked you up and carried you to the bed.

"Y/N why did you do this! Why couldn't you have come to us!" This time Sam was yelling at you.

"It wasn't me…" You were quickly losing consciousness. You knew you didn't have long.

"Sam Dean she's telling the truth. Something's wrong." Cas was trying to remain calm but the light quickly fading for your body was enough to make him panic! Now that he looked closer at you he could tell there was something besides your bright soul. Sure you had been dimming recently but this was something else!

"Y/N I need you to stay with me! Can you do that?" He was quickly losing his calm as he watched even more of your soul fade! He gently but firmly grabbed your chin forcing you to look at him. He was blurred. "Y/N! Did someone do this to you!" You tried you really did. You just couldn't anymore. As much as you hated to admit it and hated seeing those broken looks on their faces…you had to go.

"I-"Another raspy breath "I love you guys."

The last thing you saw was three wonderfully beautiful strong men crying. The last thing you ever wanted to see before darkness enveloped you.

They watched as you took one last shaky breath before your chest just stopped moving.

When will my reflection show  
Who I am inside.

"Y/N!" All boys yelled it but none heard the other…

"She's gone?" Sam asked with a tear sliding down his cheek.

"Is she?" Dean asked turning to Cas…Cas never broke contact with your face as he spoke.

"No…her soul is still in there but barely."

"But she's dead why isn't it gone?" Cas clenched his jaw shaking his head.

"I don't know."

To their amazement you sat back up. Looking to all of them smiling!

"Hello boys." You said in a way that didn't sound very Y/N like. They were all hesitant to respond to you and could feel their blood boiling when your eyes turned black…

"Get out of her." Dean said through clenched teeth.

"Oh what fun would that be? After all this work." He furrowed his brows trying to make sense of it

"Were you the one that killed her?

You shrugged very nonchalantly. "I helped, she had already positioned the knife I just gave her a bit of a push."

"Why her?" Sam questioned trying to make sense of why they would want to use you. You were fairly small and by far the cleverest of TFW. 'How could she not tell this thing was in her?'

"Oh that was easy, she just thought it was her."

"And why would she think that?"

"It's quite easy when she's so downgrading of herself. All I do is go along with the insults that she already feels that way about herself. She feeds into it, like a goldfish. Death is what she wanted I guess you can consider me her fairy godmother."

"Don't talk about her like that!" Dean would not stand for anyone to talk about you like that!

The demon sensed this as well. "Aww does someone have a bit of a crush?"

Dean did seem to turn a slight shade of red.

"Actually you all seem to be enamored by her. I don't know why but then again I don't really care. My jobs done here. Plus now I get a free body."

"I don't think so." Cas raised his hand to send her out of you when you decided to keep speaking.

"If you kill me you'll never see her again!" The silence that filled the room was suffocating.

"I know." He sent her out leaving your cold body to start to fall before he caught it.

"Cas can you save her?"

"I can try."

The desperation was evident throughout the room. They all wanted-needed you back!

Cas gently put his hand over your head before gently pressing his lips to your forehead. His eyes glowed for a moment as he stared at you in intense concentration. After what felt like forever they heard you gasp! Taking in your first breath of air after what felt like eternity was a terrifying expierence! Slowly your vision came back to you…you were relieved to see your boys smiling at you.

"Hey guys!" You popped squeezing them in for a group hug. You noticed they didn't let go quite as soon as you did.

"Nice to have you back kid." Dean said as he laid a hand on your shoulder.

You returned to favor by nudging him off of you before saying "Remember I'm only two years younger than you."

You all laughed a moment before Cas asked the dreaded question "Why?"

"I'm sorry what?" You said trying to keep the smile from slipping off your face.

"Y/N we know."

You clenched your jaw refusing to get emotional. "I'm just so tired! I'm tired of being stupid and feeling useless and scared! I-." You took a deep breath knowing your next words were going to have to be laid out very carefully if you didn't want them to freak out on you. "Look I know I'm not as good as the rest of you. I know I'm not that great of a person, I'm a pushover, I'm really not intelligent, I'm not overly attractive or even pretty for that matter…I was doing you a favor. Guys all I do is slow you down." You looked each one of them in the eye before lowering your head. While you knew it was true it still hurt to say those words out loud.

All three boys just stood there astonished. They knew from the demon that your thoughts were negative but…were they really that bad. "Y/N why didn't you just come to us?" Sam asked giving you the look of a puppy dog who had been kicked. You looked up to meet his eyes. Your face was emotionless. In all honesty you were so emotionally drained. Besides that you would NOT be weak in front of these men! "Sam I'm sorry I really am but…there wasn't a point in talking about it. In my past talking about it has only ever made it worse. Who knows you guys may have locked me in the basement for a while."

They were all so confused to how you could say all this with a straight face...so void of emotion. "Y/N we can help you." Cas said with a certain determination that you had noticed he had in battle. You gave him a sad smile "Cas this isn't your fight." Cas shook his head aggressively "Let us help. Y/N right now you're losing this war. Just let us help. We can win together." Dean stepped forward now (you had noticed he had remained quiet throughout most of the conversation, which was seriously unusual for Dean!) "He's right you know. Your stuck with us whether you like it or not." He gave you a small smile that you couldn't return. They were so hopeful…and that just wasn't you. Before you could say anything else Sam stepped forward pulling you into a bear hug…the others quickly joined. You stood there frozen. You felt your eyes tear up, you felt your hands reach up and clutch someone's shirt, pulling them all as physically close to you as possible.

When will my reflection show  
Who I am inside...

You had been so secluded recently you didn't realize this may be exactly what you need…Love. These guys loved you! Someone cared! They would help you, you just knew it. You all stood there like that for a few minutes before Cas pulled away along with Sam. You found it funny that the last person to let go was Dean 'So much for no chick flick moments.' You thought to yourself. You took a shaky breath giving them a small smile before saying "Thanks." Dean put his hand on your shoulder "That's what families for."

As you all got in the Impala and drove to your favorite ice cream store you looked at all the beautiful scenery. This is what you would have missed out on! You looked ahead of you watching Dean and Cas laugh at something Dean had said about Sam. You felt yourself laughing long with them as Sam pouted at being the butt of the joke. You reached out putting your hand on his shoulder from the back seat giving him a smile that he quickly returned.

Sitting in that ice cream shop eating with your friends- no scratch that- family…you felt complete. Something in you fused together and realized that to find happiness you just have to look in the right places. You had forgotten how good it felt to laugh. Hopefully there would be a lot more of it…that is what family's for after all.

Authors note:

Story ideas over triggering subjects that turn out to be inspirational.

Subject: Fear of failure, low self esteem, feeling of emptiness.

Authors note: Don't believe any of the lies the world tries to feed you. If you believe in yourself that's all you need, if other people believe in you than that's a blessing, but you can make it either way. You may fall, you may struggle, you may go to bed thinking 'I don't think it will ever matter. I'll never get there.' It's alright to have those days, its alright to be down in the dumps, it is alright to feel hopeless as long as you can bounce back. Listen to something inspirational. Get creative! Be. Who. You. Were. Meant. To. Be! Everyone is special especially you. Your different than anyone else. There has never been and never will be another you. So make sure they remember who you are. Never lose sight of your goals and dreams. Really there are only two opinions that matter in the end Gods (if you believe in him), and yours. So who cares what all those other dirt bags in the world think? I know that's just a bunch of talk coming from a girl who has so many goals that havn't been completed but it's how I feel. I'm just working on convincing myself on those things. I am NOT going to give up on MYSELF and I am NOT going to give up on YOU! .SPECIAL! I DO NOT CARE WHAT IT TAKES! YOU FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND YOU GET THERE! TALK TO SOMEONE! I would be honored if it were me but it doesn't have to be, just talk to SOMEBODY. KNOW that someone cares about you out there. If you can't think of anyone to add to that caring list and least you know I'm here for you. Don't know me? My name is Kaitlyn. I am seventeen, I am a junior because I was born a premie and no one believed I was smart enough to stay with people my age. I have family who don't believe I will accomplish my dreams and secretly don't want to come to terms with the idea that they don't think I'm intelligent. I want to be an actress, singer, dancer, photographer, model, and writer (which is why I'm here). I started this account hoping that I would get a few nice fans who would encourage me and bring my confidence up (you guys haven't disappointed me, I had a like and comment by my first day. Can't thanks you enough for that btw). I am a christian, I have been through a lot in my life (compared to people I know), I know other people out there have it worse than me, I am dramatic, irritable at times, moody, and bipolar in my opinion, I am anti social, I am a lonely loner. At the end of the day I want to be able to say I'm proud of my accomplishments. I live to make my dreams come true. There now you know me. I would love to hear about you guys. You have been there for me for over seven months now and I feel close to you guys but I would love to know more. Isn't that strange? How I probably don't know any of your names but yet I feel as though you guys are some of the closest friends I have? I still would really love to learn about you. Feel free to message or comment to me. Bottom line…DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! PROVE ALL THE HATERS IN THIS WORLD WRONG! RESPOND TO DISCOURAGEMENT AND NEGATIVITY WITH OPTIMISIM AND DETERMINATION! IF SOMEONE SAYS TO YOU "YOU CAN'T DO IT." RESPOND WITH "WATCH ME!"

I love you guys. Hope you liked the story and learned from it. I want all of you to leave this post with a smile on your face and positive thoughts, and that's an order! Lol, have a good night and I will see you all very soon.


End file.
